It is true that i have had a rough couple of years during my lower secondary days being the only Chinese in class and even in the primary days when i had a fear of speaking to others. I made friends with some good people and some bad. I have endured different kinds of abuse, mentally and physically since a young age. Some experiences beyond comprehension and times that i have had to swear to never speak of. Many things of which even the closest of friends would not be aware of.
At the end of form 3, i thought it was great to finally have a best friend for the 1st time. We had many ups and downs. In form 4, i went to her house many times for several long weeks to mend her broken heart with a listening ear and ice-cream. I even learned to hug a friend for the first time. Eventually she got better. And found more people that could love her. I was happy for her. We may not be friends anymore now but i can still remember those times vividly.
I don't know about you guys; but do see the point in rumors? When you start talking about something or someone that you have no idea whether it is true or not; an abundance of consequences could come with that. Which is why i never liked to believe in rumors no matter where they come from. There could be a long complicated story behind a rumor that we would probably have overlooked. Rumors are sometimes the test of friendships. Whoever chooses to believe the bad rumors are probably not your real friends and whoever chooses not to believe them are true to you.
I rarely go overseas so it makes me happy to know if i am going overseas. But, the happiest day of my life is actually the day i had the honor of being classmates with these awesome friends in form 4.The awesome people = ( Aqeelah, Caroline, Sherly, Shaz, Belle, Rai, Pey yi ) =]
I had always been timid and shy by nature. With them, they helped me grow. I admit that now i may seem more confident and braver. Alas, that is probably just what i wanted to portray to others. Deep inside, i could possibly have the most fragile heart in the world. For all i know, my heart could be made of glass. Being able to break starting from the tiniest crack.
People may have seen changes in me, but- i will always be that basketball crazy, jean-loving, hip-hop dancing lover at heart. I believe that i changed to become a bit more feminine because i realized that everybody's gotta grow up someday. So why not now? Time is very short so if i didn't start wearing dresses or other things that i normally didn't wear before, who knows if my life is cut short? I may never have the chance.
I was bullied in primary 3 (the same year i lost my grandad). I never met my mom's mum as she passed away when my mum was pregnant with her 1st child. In form 2, my dad passed away. I knew he was weak but i didn't expect it to be that soon. It was so crazy growing up. Slowly noticing my father losing his hair, getting skinnier to the extent that i could see his eyeballs wanting to come out and his backbone being so visible, seeing how he would vomit at odd hours. Every detail is embedded in my mind to this day. I still remember a few of my siblings had to fly straight home for this sad event. A sister from UK. A brother from China. A brother from Malaysia. A sister from Australia.
In form 3, my dad's mum passed away. This made me think of why life would be so cruel to me and my family. I know, selfish of me to think of my own self. After my dad's passing, my mother showed us she could be strong and that we could too. I cannot lie that i had shown weakness many a time. But that is who i am.
I am not afraid to admit that i have had problems since last year with vomiting. I vomited every month starting from last year. According to some people, it meant that i had weak intestines or a weak stomach. It made me fear of the type of cancer my father and older sister had. It constantly made me think of the possibility that i may not live long.
There were even times when i would feel breathless or faint even from just standing up after a long time of sitting which made my mother think that i was possibly anaemic. Despite all this, i have never went for a doctor's check-up. I didn't choose not to. My family just never has the time. There have even been times that i have been in a state close to depression. I considered smoking, cutting, etc. But of course, i never condoned in such activities. However, just having those thoughts were wrong enough.
I still remember memories i have had with my good friends who i place highly on my own personal friends' list in my heart. I could go on and on in detail about those times but i shan't for those are mine and theirs to keep. I have only had the utmost care for them. If they had a problem, that problem would tend to circle my mind for a day or two or more. That's how much i care.
No matter who tries to ruin my life. Whether it be rumors or flying criticism. I shall always remain true to my friends. I would never hurt any of them intentionally. Because hurting a friend by a comment is like a stab at my own heart.
I don't understand how a friend could doubt me after knowing me for years and choosing to believe a rumor. But, that is life. I had a friend who chose to believe a rumor; i didn't care because in reality she was just an acquaintance. But this is different. This hurts. This tears me apart. This burns my soul.
Family knows me best and none of them would ever believe that i could spread such horrible tales. They know my heart is true and that when my friends are in pain, i'm in pain. My close friends are like my family. To know that they doubt me or would detest the idea of being like a 'sister' to me really hurts tho i try not to show it.
This post probably seems pathetic but i needed an outlet. My basketball notebook is filled with art including anime and writings. The writings in the book are private however. I like it that way as it makes the book a lot more special than it already is. Well, that is my opinion.
All i can do now is hope and pray to God that my troubles shall be over soon. For -a while at least. Considering i know that life will always be full of troubles. I also hope that these rumors didn't originate from any enemies i have made in the past.
Ps. Sorry if i do not show my care in proper ways. Everyone has flaws. I just happen to have a lot of them for being so ditsy. There are alot of qualities i wish i had but i would have to take a long time to learn about them.
Anyways...........
Praise Him always. I have faith that you will guide me through life for you will never forsake me.
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